John Hegley

A Little Dog

Johnny was feeling rather lonely
so he decided to pretend that his portable telly was a little dog
the screen was its face the cable was its tail
the aerial was its long thin ear and the screws at the back they were it's fleas.
And John was very happy with his new friend
but he didn't tend to take her out for walkies but it was ok
until one day she became very ill after John had gone and given her a bath.
And when the repairman came John called out it's all right pet the vet is here and he let the man into the living room
and he showed him his portable telly all wrapped up in blankets.
The repairman asked John if he was sick
John explained it wasn't him that was sick it was his little dog
and the repairman he took out a great big screwdriver
and he pushed it into John's throat
oh great said John you're going to get rid of her little fleas as well are you?
and the repairman did not find this pleasing
he thought Johnny boy was teasing
and he took hold of John and he hit him
and the portable telly jumped up and bit him.


He's in Love With a Brown Paper Bag

'We're all a bit this way that way - nobody is utterly normal are they?
This is about a man who's in love with a brown paper bag.'

He's in love with a brown paper bag
his mother she was disappointed very very disappointed -
it's not exactly what she had in mind
but eventually she came to accept it
how could a mother reject it
he's in love and love isn't easy to find.
People stop and people stare
people say they are a crazy pair
but there's many a crazy scene between a husband and a wife
he found it by a market stall
it's a bit screwed up but aren't we all
an empty bag is better than an empty life
and he doesn't mind if you caress his little scrap of happiness
he's in love but he doesn't want to possess
and one day he came up to me he held the bag so tenderly
and he held it out to me
and I said thanks a lot but I don't think I could cope
I've already got a steady relationship with a light blue envelope
it was nice of you to offer though.


'What I've learnt this week is just because someone has got severe mental unrest does not mean they can't do good. Look at Vincent Van Gogh. He cut his ear off but the next morning he stood in front of that French field and made it yield up every secret it possessed.

'Also, don't underestimate people's delusions, they are sometimes complete worlds...I had a friend, he'd actually had meningitis and basically the operation sent him a little bit over the edge really and this is a little poem I wrote about that.'